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Church Sex-Scandal Settled For Poultry and Pontiac
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IMTEEHED, AL - A Deacon of High Order in The One-And-Only True Church has settled the sex-abuse scandal that threatened to devastate the organization. Not all details of the settlement were revealed, however both parties say that the plaintiff, Ms. Victoria Blurg, will receive a 1978 Pontiac Phoenix and three Aracuna chickens. The settlement does not include an admission of wrongdoing.

"Those are the ones that lay green eggs," Ms. Blurg told reporters. "Iíve always wanted to have some. The chickens, I mean. The eggs too, but mainly the chickens."

The vehicle named in the settlement does not run and will not be made to run as part of the settlement.

Wally "Walleye" Hatfield, the Most Reverend of the church, said of the settlement, "Itís fair. I mean, itís not fair that we all got dragged into this. But itís fair to get it all out of the way. Fair like that." Hatfield was not the object of the scandal. His son, Wally "Walleye" Hatfield Jr., a Deacon Of High Order in the church, is accused of touching Ms. Blurg "in a way that made [her] feel like [she] was not being respected as a fellow deacon." The church itself was not named in the action.

"I only asked her could she just move over a bit. I mean, she ainít a small woman. And she was blocking the aisle. I may have put a hand on her shoulder, but... Man. I loved that car," said Hatfield Jr.

The ten-member congregation (All Deacons of Most High Order) voted to let "bygones be bygones" and get on with the business of the church.
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