WIEMEE, LA - In what is seen as the strangest case in recent years, people whose last name is "Cruise" have been reporting a flu-like sickness with symptoms ranging from fever and cough to vomiting, some even requiring hospitalization.

"It's a puzzle," said Dr. Jon Toastin, of the Wiemee Medical Clinic. He's been the clinic's lead researcher into the illness and the first to recognize its penchant for Cruise's. "What would make a virus attack a certain surname? It's baffling. Would legally changing your name protect you? My training tells me, 'No', but we just don't know."

A spokesperson for Tom Cruise, actor and producer, said that Mr. Cruise, "has not exhibited any symptoms and is optimistic about his chances for missing the bug entirely."

Apparently, spelling of the name is not important, so long as it sounds like "Cruise" and is the last name. Surnames affected include Cruise, Cruz, Crooz, and Crews. A random survey of those whose first name sounds like "Cruise" (including California Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante) showed no statistically unusual number of them have fallen ill.

The CDC has been notified, but had no comment on the outbreak.
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