PLEIGHFAIRE, CA - The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) announced its plans to inform the Justice Department of what it calls a "new and insidious blight" on athletics. "In several anonymous surveys conducted with American and foreign athletes, a disturbing trend has been revealed," says USADA investigator Murrel Tyron. "When asked, 'Are you currently using any mind- or performance-altering drugs?' many athletes have reported being high on Life."

The USADA has been involved in a sting operation for the past few weeks, targeting one Olympic training facility that has a disproportionately high" level of those admitting to using "Life". The operation has netted one coach and several athletes, the names of whom are being passed to the Justice Department.

"We've seen 'horse' and 'crack' and 'ice'. And we've dealt with 'Andro' and hCG and hGH. But 'Life' is a new one," commented Andy Lorrup, an officer with the Department of Justice that has worked on several doping cases. "To be honest, I always thought that was a figure of speech."

"The integrity of the games is paramount," said Tyron, "and we can't allow anyone to taint that."

Said one athlete, "Man, I knew those surveys were trouble. I kept tellin' 'em, 'don't write that' and 'it'll just stir 'em up', but they didn't listen. And now here we are."
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