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Prisoner Sues To Get "Species Change"
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NOMOSAPIAN, CO - Jerry Arnold has always felt out of place. "Even in high school, I remember feeling like I wasn't like everybody else," he said, "I would go out with my friends, but all I really wanted to do was stick out my tongue, grab some ants, and eat 'em." Now Arnold wants to end what he calls the "sick ruse" nature played on him. He wants to be an aardvark.

"If he wants to pretend to be an aardvark, that's fine. He can eat ants all he likes, stick out his tongue, I don't care. But don't ask the citizens of Colorado to pay for him to take it to the next level," said Thomas Lawrence, warden of the Nomosapian Federal Prison. He refers to the expected cost of the surgery and diet regimen that would allow Arnold to fulfill his desire to change his species.

"'Species change' is perhaps a poor choice of terms," says Arnold's attorney, Matt Poetzinger, "Hormone therapy and a quick snip won't do for Jerry what it has done for those wishing to change genders. We're talking about significant differences at the DNA level. What Jerry is really looking for is more of a recognition of his unique position. He really believes he is an ant eater trapped in a man's body. Who are we to say he's wrong?"

"He's wrong, dead wrong," says prison surgeon, Dr. Lance Pinochet. "I discussed his goals with him. He wants his vocal chords removed, his 'snout' lengthened, a tail added, and he wants several inches added to his tongue. This can't be done. He's going to have to face the fact that he's a human."

Colleen Daniels, a representative from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) , said her organization "recognizes Mr. Arnold's right to question his species, but until he can be considered an 'animal'" they won't get involved. Daniels did point out, though, that incarceration of an animal would be "unethical" and if the surgery and other treatments result in Arnold becoming an animal, they would fight in the courts to have him released.

"I don't want to fight anybody, I just need to be me," says Arnold.
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