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Arrest Warrants Issued For 140 Million Americans
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WASHINGTON - Recent polls show that fifty percent of Americans favor electing someone else rather re-electing George W. Bush. "Round 'em up," said Bush, when informed of the numbers, "if they aren't with us, they're against us." The president may be on shaky ground, invoking the Anti-Terrorism act to arrest the millions of citizens that want him out, but he is proceeding with the warrants.

"We're on sound legal footing here," said Wendel Tuffled, the president's personal attorney, "the Anti-Terrorism bill supports the 'for-or-against' polarity. Perhaps it wasn't written for this exact purpose, but perhaps it was. We're the executive branch, that's not our call."

"He's right, it's my call," said Federal Judge Thom Finstermacher. Judge Finstermacher is scheduled to hear the class-action case against the President brought by the ACLU on behalf of the people targeted by the warrants. "I can't discuss pending cases, of course, but I don't think anyone is going to have to worry about these warrants."

Los Angeles resident Regina Stapleton was visibly shaken at the news that a warrant had been issued for her arrest. "Will I have to wear a bag over my head? I only put the bumper sticker on my car because it looked so nice. I'm not even sure which one Dean is. If I scratch it off, will they cancel the warrant?"

"We are not entering into negotiations for any settlements at this time," remarked Tuffled, "But clearly, regardless of the judge's ruling, our message is getting out."
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