FRANCE - Evian, bottled-water division of Great Brands of Europe, has issued a press release detailing its plans to produce two new products, Toidi and Diputs. Marketed exclusively to the American market, these will go head to head with the American competition, particularly Coca-Cola's Dasani brand.

"Toidi is a lightly carbonated water. It effervesces on opening and remains bubbly for an hour or more afterward. In focus groups, the sensation was described as 'invigorating'," said Anton Cleufeu, head of R&D for Evian. "Diputs will be marketed with a simple slogan -- 'Bare.' It is raw water, as nature intended, filtered through nothing but a rock bed one hundred feet thick, naturally mineralized. Very refreshing."

"It's water, folks," responded Dennis Miller, comic and failed football commentator, "A little H, a little O, not much to it. Not to get off on a rant here, but haven't these guys put enough billion dollar jokes over on us to fund their own weapons of mass destruction research facility? Maybe we can persuade Bush to intercept the shipments in the open seas, ya think?"

American retailers greeted the news with enthusiasm. "Oh, it'll sell," Rodney Limost said. Limost owns a chain of convenience stores in Colorado. "People like to think they're doing what's healthy. Non-pop pop and dirty water, as dumb as it might sound, is exactly what they want. As soon as my distributor has it, I'll have it."

Toidi and Diputs will be similarly priced, at about a 15% premium over standard Evian.
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