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Clark: "I Could Have Captured Osama bin Laden Myself With Both Hands Tied Behind My Back!"
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CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE - Retired four-star general Wesley Clark stunned reporters at a news conference with his challenge to President Bush. After stating that he "could have captured Osama bin Laden" himself by this time, he said, "In fact, I am throwing down the glove at George W. Bush's feet. I say to him, I am personally flying to Afghanistan to conduct a personal hole-to-hole search and I will find bin Laden. Will he join me in the search? I hope so. May the best man win." He then stormed off the podium and into an awaiting limousine.

Bush is reportedly not taking the challenge seriously. White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, said "The President is going to conduct himself like a president, like a campaigning presidential candidate. He is not going to change his systematic, intelligence-driven, technology-enhanced, laser-focused search for all elements of the terror network into a simple gentleman's bet for publicity's sake."

Clark's own camp worked to explain the Democratic presidential hopeful's comments. Spokesman Jamal Simmons said, "General Clark was using the 'capture of bin Laden' metaphor to encapsulate the overall war on terror. The message was 'Mr. President, either execute this war, or stand aside for someone who can.' That someone is General Wesley Clark."

"That's not the way I heard it," said Halton Reid, reporter for the Concord Lightbearer. "He didn't sound like he was talking metaphorically. And he left the stage like he was on his way to start the hunt."

Clark's motorcade reportedly drove to Logan International Airport, circled briefly, then continued on to a local hotel.

Osama bin Laden himself remained unconcerned for his safety. "If one hands one's rat-hole digging contracts to the lowest bidder, one gets what one pays for," he said enigmatically, "I am confident that my location is secure. If either of these infidels feels they can capture me, then I say, 'Bring 'em on'!"
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