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Fox Invents Time Machine, Creates "Spoiler" Previews For Live Events
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NEW YORK - Fox Broadcasting has begun using a technology developed by their own research department to create 5-10 second previews of upcoming moments in live events. "We've always enjoyed spoiling movies by showing little snippets of upcoming scenes before and after commercial breaks, similar to TNT's 'Investigation So Far' bits during Law & Order reruns. But we've been limited in what we could do to ruin the experience of a live event. Until now," explained David Hill, Chairman and CEO of Fox Broadcasting.

The technology and equipment developed by Fox allows them to look up to three hours into the future. "Time, like light, moves forward and spreads out. Even a laser disperses as the distance it travels increases. The FBI has for years been able to take an out of focus image and digitally focus it, by recognizing where the light originated and rebuilding all the dispersal pools within the image," said Todd Piatar, one of the technicians on the project. "We do the same thing with time. We locate these dispersal pools in space-time and refocus them, giving us a window into the future." He explained that the pools get so large and out of focus that beyond three hours, they can't "precreate" the image.

"This is an exciting time for us," said Hill, "With all the major networks 'on the scene', there's almost no scoop-room left anymore. Imagine if we had this baby running when they were looking for Saddam? 'Breaking News: Saddam about to be captured!'"

"He doesn't realize what a great argument he just put forth for not doing this," said Ted Turner, the first 'T' in the TNT television network. "If the soldiers could see that they would be capturing Saddam in the next few hours, how would that affect them? Would they make a mistake and end up not finding him after all? I applaud their attempt to spoil the intrigue of live television. After all, we all do what we can to make TV less and less surprising, since despite what people claim, they do not like surprises. But this approach is dangerous."

"Time is time," responded Hill. "What we are looking at is what will happen. Not what might happen. What will happen. We can no more affect the future by reporting on it than you can affect a family by looking at its portrait."

Scientists are clamoring for Fox to release the technology. "This is outrageous! They have developed the most fantastic technology in mankind's history, and they are using it to watch television! It's akin to the Wright brothers inventing the airplane then using it as an attic fan," said Dr. Avil Meerkin. He is building a coalition of scientists to lobby for the release of the technology to the public domain.

"Not to be smug, but we saw that coming," said Hill, "and without giving away any secrets, I'd say their future doesn't look too bright."
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