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Bin Laden Captured, Mauled By Princess Anne's Bull Terrier
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LONDON - The radical terrorist leader Osama bin Laden is said to be considering pressing charges against Britain's Princess Anne over her failure to control her bull terrier, Florence. When he climbed out of his spider-hole under a fountain outside of Buckingham Palace for some brief exercise, the dog allegedly repeatedly bit him on the legs and arms. He was treated by a royal doctor.

"Mr. bin Laden's civil rights, his inalienable human rights, were most certainly violated," said bin Laden's attorney, Muhammad Sadeed, "and we will be seeking compensation for that. I am in discussions with the Royal Family now to resolve the matter out of court. My client also faces some criminal charges, so we intend to try to work that into the deal." Sadeed explained that in exchange for dropping Britain's terrorism charges and not extraditing him to the U.S., bin Laden would be willing to drop his suit against the Princess.

"Mr. Sadeed surely knows better than this," said a Buckingham Palace spokesman, "The Royal Family cannot intervene in matters such as criminal trials and international extradition. As for the suit, Mr. bin Laden was immediately triaged and treated by one of our staff physicians. His injuries did not even warrant being taken to hospital. Florence is clearly humiliated at becoming the center of so much attention, and with her recent history, the Princess is concerned that she may need to be put down. The pain on both sides of the incident are great, and in light of this we think the matter should be closed."

"I wish it had been Spot," said President Bush, referring to his own English Springer Spaniel, "She'd've violated his civil rights for him, and done it right." When asked about the attempt to block extradition, he replied, "The age of the terrorist is over. Our international friends are not going to let anything stand in the way of bringing terrorists to justice."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair's office released a written statement that said, "We rejoice that the Earth's most-wanted man is in custody. Though we regret that the civil matter created under the circumstances of his apprehension require a delay in turning him over to our American allies. When Mr. bin Laden has been given his opportunity to speak before the Magistrate in regards to his alleged mauling, then he will be made available for trial in America. We regret the delay of course, but the rule of law must be maintained."

Bin Laden himself has refused to speak to reporters and has provided no useful information to his captors.
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