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NTSB Warns Of Possible "Tubby Terrorists"
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WASHINGTON - The National Transportation Safety Board in coordination with the Department of Homeland Security has announced a new front on the war on terror -- your waistline. "People laughed when we first translated some of the chatter," said CIA Chief George Tenet, "But they stopped laughing when the NTSB weighed in. Or, rather, when they spoke up." Increasingly, monitored cell-phone calls and other communications suggest that some sleeper cells within the U.S. are intentionally becoming grossly obese for nefarious ends.

"The intent, according to everything we have gathered, is to get a dozen or more really, really fat terrorists on the same plane," said NTSB Vice Chairman Mark V. Rosenker, "Once in the air, simply having them all run to the tail section could bring the plane down. They could even 'fly' the aircraft to an extent, by all running to one side or the other. It's a frighteningly simple plan: no weapons, no bombs. And people naturally ignore extremely overweight people anyway. Brilliant."

The NTSB has suggested that the risk could be minimized by simply weighing the passengers before allowing them on the plane. "That's only half the problem, though," said aviation expert Christine Negroni, "Weighing works if you have a nice, even distribution of the weight, keeping your center of gravity within the envelope. You're assuming that your passengers want to survive the flight. If you remove that assumption, then weighing them first doesn't help nearly as much. Five extremely obese men could throw your CG off enough to jeopardize the flight, even if you started out with an approved weight."

With the average American becoming more and more overweight, such an attempt at terrorism could go virtually undetected. "It's scary enough to think we're facing stroke, heart attack, diabetes," said one overweight man that preferred not to give his name, "and now I'm going to get flagged as a terrorist. That's just great."
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