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Stewart: Fraud Charges Dropped, Jay-Walking Charge Stands
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NEW YORK, New York - Prosecutors say they will proceed with the trial of Martha Stewart, despite the most serious charge having been dropped by Judge Miriam Cedarbaum. "Though we have been unable to prove Ms. Stewart's culpability in defrauding her own stockholders, we are confident that the evidence against her on the jay-walking charge is solid and we stand behind it," said Prosecutor Michael Schachter.

"They have a drunk, who is being given a walk on a public indecency charge in exchange for his testimony," began Robert Morvillo, representing Stewart, "And they have a Dunkin' Donut cashier that saw a 'well dressed lady' cross the street on a 'Don't Walk' sign. They've got nothing. We'd beat this with one oven mitt tied behind our backs."

The court of public opinion suggests Stewart may not be worth the trouble. "I understand going after the Enron's and the Tyco's," explained one man, loading two-by-four's at Lowe's, "but I don't see what digging into whether or not she lied about some penny-ante stock trade is worth spending the court costs on." Amelie Locklorter agreed, saying, "From what I understand, she basically took advantage of information she shouldn't have had, and then lied about it. If I had her money, and her access to information, then it could be me they're crucifying in there. And as for that jay-walking thing, well, I'm just glad they don't follow me around all day!"

"The rule of law is absolute. Doesn't law mean anything to these people?" asked Schachter, "Maybe they should pop in on Aristide down in Haiti and chat with him about the value of law and order. The public should be thanking me and my staff for this prosecution."
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