PASADENA, California - NASA scientists excitedly announced Tuesday the discovery of solid evidence that vast quantities of water once flowed on the surface of Mars. A more subdued announcement came late Wednesday evening, explaining where the water had apparently gone. "This is one of those bittersweet moments in science, when we have definitively answered a question, but we very much dislike the answer," explained Matt Golombek, a scientist at Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

The answer came from a pipe seen to be protruding from the Martian soil. Using the rover's ground-penetrating radar, a network of pipes and pumping stations was discovered. "At first, of course, we assumed we were misreading the data. But after more and more data piled up, it became undeniable," related Golombek, "Our excitement over the discovery was matched, though, by the disappointment we felt when we realized what was behind it."

Panning back and forth, Opportunity spotted the tanks that apparently held the Martian water. Painted on all five tanks was the familiar Coca-Cola logo and the name "Dasani". "No wonder Coke's been so secretive about their formula and so uptight about investigations into their bottled water," said Golombek, adding, "At least I don't feel so bad about paying two bucks for a bottle of water now!"

Coca-Cola would not speak to reporters, saying only that they do not comment on pending interplanetary investigations. Professor Maureen Williams, space law expert at the University of Buenos Aires, said Coca-Cola has probably not done anything wrong, "There is very little law governing the use of the solar system for commerce. I find it surprising that they were even able to make a profitable venture out there, frankly. Law tends to follow commerce, though, so you can look for governance in this area in the very near future."

"They're in hot water, and I don't mean Martian water," said Mark McClellan, Commissioner of the FDA. "If they've actually been bringing extra-terrestrial materials to the earth and selling it in the United States, then they had better get themselves a good legal team together. This is an extremely serious violation. Although I must admit," he said, grinning, "that Dasani really is some tasty stuff. Maybe it’s the iron content?"
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