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Agriculture Department Orders Slaughter Of All Birds
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BALTIMORE, Maryland - The U.S. Department of Agriculture issued an order Monday calling for the destruction of all birds. "We take this drastic step to stop the bird flu infestation on our shores," said Agriculture Secretary Ann M. Veneman, "It is a highly contagious, virulent disease that threatens to destroy entire populations of birds. By collecting eggs, and then destroying the animals ourselves, we can wipe out this disease in one generation." Veneman explained that current cloning techniques would allow rebuilding bird populations in a few years.

"They can't do that!" exclaimed Dr. Richard Vulliet, Professor of Veterinary Pharmacology at the University of California, "It isn't as simple as amputating a gangrenous limb. They are going to destabilize the ecology of the entire world, not to mention the devastating effects on the economy. For want of a better word, I would call this overkill."

"I will not allow this order to go forward," said U.S. District Judge Stephen Reasoner, famous for his defense of the environment, "I am issuing an injunction immediately halting any and all activities of the USDA regarding destruction of birds, with the exception of the animals currently diagnosed in Pocomoke City."

"We will respect the judge's injunction, of course," said Veneman, "but the evidence will certainly vindicate the decision. And face it, wouldn't we be better off without them anyway? Chirping and tweeting in the morning, sullying our clean cars, eating our grass seed. The disease eradication is the primary motive, but these tangential benefits should be considered."

The case will be brought before a three judge panel on December 10th.
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