ROCKVILLE, Maryland - Pointing to the recent studies showing the health hazards associated with the consumption of fat, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has begun the process to recategorize fat as a drug. "American citizens are dying every single day because of our lack of regulation," said FDA Commissioner Mark McClellan, "These studies conclusively prove that we need to intervene."

"There is no way they can do this," said U.S. Representative Tom Allen, "I backed the FDA when they wanted to regulate tobacco, but that's just an entirely different matter. Everybody eats fat. It's not like it's poison. If you eat too much celery, you'll die, too. It's about moderation."

"I think regulation of this addictive substance is way overdue," said diet and fitness guru Susan Powter, "People can't be trusted to regulate themselves. You give them alcohol; they get drunk. You grow a plant; they dry it and smoke it. It's only human nature that if you give them some tasty, fatty food, they'll blow up like mindless blimps. Something has to be done."

Bearing on the issue is a related question now making the legislative rounds, should consumers be allowed to sue restaurants for letting them get fat? "That becomes a non-issue when you put us in charge," responded McClellan, "Restaurants -- even fast food places -- would come under the FDA umbrella. They can't sell you spoiled meat, rotten veggies, or tainted condiments. We won't let them. And with this new power, we can keep them from making you fat!"

"I have to admit," said Tom "Tubs" Cracken, "I believe that I made me fat. I weigh over 300 pounds. I'm not proud of it, but I don't think it's anybody's fault but mine."

"I sympathize with Mr. Cracken," replied McClellan, "but I can't agree with that. I place the blame for his obesity on the shoulders of the unregulated sections of our food chain. If I can keep just one child from getting an unflattering nickname, then I'll know I've done my job."
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