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Shell Admits "Oil Reserves" Are Actually "Ham Slurry"
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LONDON, England - Petroleum stock prices fell across the board Thursday and saw little rebound Friday after Royal Dutch/Shell Group's restatement of its proved oil and gas reserves, resulting in a 250 million barrel drop. "The situation is not actually bad news, as has been reported in the press," admonished Shell chairman Jeroen van der Veer, "We simply mistook our readings for a deposit of oil. We are excited to have in fact found 250 million barrels of pure ham slurry. The slurry is a major component of Denny's entrees and until now could only be produced through a costly extrusion process. We can offer this naturally-occurring slurry at a much lower cost."

Ham slurry is the base material for the Contour Crafting system used by Denny's restaurants to produce their various ham-based products. (more on ham slurry) "We are excited by the find, and we're sure it will more than offset the company's lost revenue from what was thought to be oil," said Denny's Board Chairman Charles Moran.

"We're not at all comfortable with a petroleum company tapping products from the ground that are meant to enter the food chain," said FDA spokeswoman Lorrie McHugh, "We will definitely need to inspect the facilities and the transport mechanisms before we can approve it."

Petroleum experts point out that oil is also carefully protected from contamination. "People think of 'gushers' when they think of oil wells, but that's just not the way it works," explained oil drilling expert, Larry Stamper, "We carefully tap the pockets of oil and take great pains to get that oil out without even the air touching it. It doesn't matter if it's oil, ham slurry, or instant pudding, we can drag it out of the ground without letting it get tainted."

Shell stock prices are not expected to jump as a result of the discovery.
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