ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Acting on a tip from an admitted former al Qaeda member, the Pakistani military surrounded and captured Osama bin Laden Tuesday morning at a second-hand book store in Kandahar. "When I heard the reward for turning him in was only $25 million, I was not interested," said the informant Shahzada Meer, "It was unthinkable, I see the man as a spiritual leader and hero. But when I heard it was doubled to $50 million, I decided it was worth it to turn him in." Meer brings home an average of $1 a day as a gatherer of wood.

"I voted for the increase in the reward," said Representative Mark Kirk. "But I was somewhat skeptical that it would make any difference. If you're a dirt farmer making fifteen bucks a year," he reasoned, "what difference does it make if it's 25 million, or 25 billion? But I guess I was wrong."

"Rewards work, there's absolutely no question about it," said Representative Tom Lantos, "Just look at Saddam's sons. Do you think we'd've gotten that tip if we were offering free health club memberships? Cash is the universal language, and the higher the number, the more local the dialect."

"Hey, if I knew where he was, I'd've been all over turning him in for 25 mill," said Jon Merriweather, an out of work sales consultant, "I think upping the reward was a joke. If you'd cash him in for 50 mill, you'd cash him in for 25."

When asked what Meer intended to do with the money he replied, "I will have my shoes repaired. In fact, I will repair the shoes of everyone in my household. If anything remains, I will save it for tomorrow."
(email to a friend)