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Area Mann: "Leave Me Alone!"
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LOCAL VICINITY, USA - Area Mann is an average suburbanite. He works in an office, processing claims for a local insurance company. He has a wife and two children. In short, he's "just like anybody else. I'm no one special. So why can't you people leave me alone?" he asked.

Mann leafed through a scrap book, each page renewing his zeal to be out of the limelight. "Look at this one," he exclaimed, "'Area Man Decides Law & Order Isn't Better In HDTV'! I don't even have HDTV. And as you can see, they don't even spell my name right. Or this one, 'Area Man Admits Using Expired Coupon'. I wouldn't do that! And besides, how could they know?"

Mann's wife agrees. "It's just terrible. I can't read a satire article without finding some awful things about my husband. Some of them are simply not fit to repeat! He denies them, of course, and I believe him. Still, there are so many stories. I mean, they can't all be false. Still, he is my husband. Sometimes I just think, 'Oh Area Mann, what will you do next?'"

Despite complaints from the Mann's, satire news sites continue to publish articles about the mundanities and idiosyncrasies of their lives. "It's what we do," explained Maria Schneider, writer for satire newspaper The Onion, "We could no more ignore the Mann's than The London Sun could ignore the Royal Family. It's the price they pay for being in the public eye."

"We weren't in the public eye," responded Mann, angrily, "Before you people started your little 'Area Mann' campaign. I was nobody, just a local man. Now I can't open a can of beans without reading about it on the Internet the next day. Why won't you leave me alone?"
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