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Man Frozen In Place By His Own Cool
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NEW YORK, New York - Scientists are flocking to New York City, world-renowned for its coolness, to study the self-proclaimed King of Cool, Samuel J. "Superfly" Jackson. It is a well known phenomenon that the cooler an individual is, the slower he walks. Jackson has walked slower and slower over the years, but early last month he actually stopped altogether. "We're calling this condition 'Absolute Zero'," said coolness expert Eugene Muckbottom, "A point -- theoretical until now -- at which all opportunity to appear out of control disappears."

"There isn't a dude on the planet that wouldn't trade places with me," said Jackson, apparently pleased with his predicament, "Baby, I got scientists circling me like a clutch a' fat aunts, and why? To find out what makes me so cool. How cool is that?" He added, "I have to admit though, after almost a month of it, I'm ready to move on."

"Walking slow, even ridiculously slow, isn't that uncommon," explained Muckbottom, "Everyone's been behind someone cool before. You keep looking for a chance to get around them, you wonder what purpose their life can serve if they are so willing to dawdle it away snailing along at such a pace. Yet they are obviously happy. And now here is a man frozen in place, and proud of it. What of his job? His family?"

Attempts have been made to lower Jackson's level of cool. Articles of clothing -- tube socks, a propeller beanie, an "I'm with stupid" T-shirt -- have all proved ineffective. "We're going to have to take it to the next level," said Muckbottom ominously, "We're going to have to get him to learn macrame. Or maybe string-art. I only pray we don't take him too far, into geek-dom, or even nerd-dom."
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