WASHINGTON - In a bold election-year jab at the American unemployed, President Bush today announced his "Clues For The Clueless" jobs initiative. "The people of this country need to be trained to be more than barmaids, stock clerks, and penny-ante database administrators," said the President in a speech delivered before a Central Piedmont Community College audience. "You students majoring in 'American History', what do you think you're adding to our nation?" he asked, pointedly, "This administration is here to tell you to get off your duffs and learn to do something!"

Bush's message is on target, according to his campaign manager Ken Mehlman. "He is running as a war president, an anti-terror president, and a jobs president. To help in the jobs arena, the President feels that frank talk is needed. People have become complacent, TV-watching, internet-satire-reading morons. They think they can work at their little jobs gluing bowties on teddy bears, retire at 60, and live happily ever after. Does John Kerry have the guts to tell the voters the truth?"

"John Kerry has been telling the American People the truth," his deputy campaign manager, Steven Elmendorf, shot back, "That under the Bush administration, we've been hemorrhaging jobs to outsourcing and downsizing, adding a new worker to the unemployment rolls every thirty seconds. That's the truth. We know that Americans are the most intelligent, educated, and skilled people in the world and are fully capable of being employed under a Kerry administration."

"Baloney," responded Scott McClellan, White House spokesman, "People are dumb as rocks and half of them are proud of it. The President wants to help the states give their thick-skulled, knuckle-dragging citizens a 21st century skill set. After that, if the troglodytes still can't find a job, they'll have no one to blame but themselves. I'd like to hear the Kerry camp's plan for putting these 'huddled masses' to work."

"We have a vision," responded Elmendorf, "We don't need a plan."
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