INGLEWOOD, California - AP Reporters embedded with the SAM-17 division of Wal-Mart report that they have completely surrounded the Los Angeles suburb of Inglewood. Fighting broke out when the anti-Wal-Mart rebels holding the town forced the Californians living there to sign petitions denouncing Wal-Mart. "We saw an area of the world unable to benefit from our low, low prices," stated General Lionel Walton, "So we moved in. We have a duty, as the de facto price-police of the world, to act."

"Nobody forced me to sign anything," Alversia Carmouche, a beauty shop owner, told reporters after the battle, "I don't want a Wal-Mart store here. I think it would be bad for our local economy." Other citizens expressed similar opinions, citing the closure of local businesses due to the price pressure Wal-Mart could bring.

Wal-Mart strategists dismissed the arguments. "These people are in the grip of their powerful city council. The leader of that group, Alice Stahnni, has fomented hatred among the populace for us and our great values. The people are effectively brain-washed," said Major-General Carlton Walton, "When we finally defeat these rebels -- and we will defeat them -- the populace will see that they are safe from the high-prices of their local businesses and they will welcome us as liberators."

News of the failed attempt to take Inglewood drove Wal-Mart stock down $2 a share.
(email to a friend)