WITHAMSVILLE, Ohio - A University of Cincinnati archaeologist announced Thursday the discovery of what is thought to be the oldest hole discovered in the Ohio Valley. Said Dr. Roy Chumpka, "This hole was here, dormant, for 50,000 years, possibly more. And now we've rediscovered it. Imagine what secrets it might reveal to us. Why was it dug? Who did it? There's so much to learn."

"I can tell you why I was digging it," said Harlow Mumford, owner of the residential front yard where the hole was discovered, "Mrs. Mumford wanted me to get her redbud tree planted. And she isn't one to want it done later, so I was doin' it now. But when I get the hole good and dug, here come this little feller all excited about my 'discovery'. Pretty soon he's got a flock of students crawling all over my front yard, ropin' off my mailbox, goin' at my hole with feather dusters. I had to plant the tree in the backyard. Mrs. Mumford's plenty upset."

"Dr. Chumpka was never the same after his trip to Cyprus," explained UC professor Gisela Walberg, "We were doing very important work there, and Roy was instrumental in getting that work documented and published. But he never seemed to get out of his 'discovery' mode. Everything is a 'discovery' with him. I haven't investigated his latest 'find', but I'm sure he'll write it up and I'll give it a glance."

Ohio law stipulates that archaeological finds receive an automatic fifty foot easement surrounding the borders of the site, effectively ceding control of the Mumford's front yard to the University. "We have no intention of keeping the Mumford's home away from them any longer than is necessary," promised Dr. Nancy Zimpher, university president, adding, "I will personally speak to Dr. Chumpka on the matter. If this turns out to be another of his 'discoveries', he may soon be researching the want ads."
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