WASHINGTON - The Coast Guard's 20-year "Deepwater" expansion plan is inadequate to meet the new demands the organization faces, said a new study by the RAND corporation. "In addition to more cutters, helicopters, and planes, we feel the Coast Guard needs to establish off-shore bases on man-made flotillas, devise a method to generate electricity from seized drugs, and develop an armada of submersible, nuclear killer robots," said the report. Implementation of the plan would require eleven trillion dollars, not including the cost of the study itself.

"It's not quite what we were expecting, I assure you of that," said one Coast Guard official, "But then if we knew what we needed to do, we wouldn't have hired RAND. We appreciate their vision."

"It's all a consulting game," bemoaned efficiency expert Miles Topoff, "They pay a stupid amount of money to a group to give them recommendations that they know they can't carry out under their budget. Then they use the report to justify budget increase requests. It's a scam."

In response to our requests, The RAND corporation issued a statement saying that they do not respond to public criticism, however they would be willing to conduct a study into the feasibility of implementation of their new Coast Guard plan, given adequate funding.
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