ROCHESTER, Minnesota - "You gonna finish that?" is a question often heard in delis around the nation. Until now, it may have been considered uncouth, but hardly dangerous. Now a groundbreaking study by Mayo Clinic researchers has revealed significant dangers of second-hand smoked turkey. "The low-fat aspects of turkey leave most people feeling like they're making a healthy choice," said Fenton Achile, lead researcher on the project, "But that only applies to the primary diner. Any follow-on dining on the same sandwich carries serious risks."

"Bacteria forms on the turkey almost the moment it leaves the refrigerated container," explained Achile, "Culminating in a colony of about a hundred million within fifteen minutes. We found that the primary diner and the colony form a symbiotic relationship after the first bite. The body and the colony essentially 'agree' not to harm each other. But this agreement is not binding for a second party. When the second diner takes a bite, the body attempts to make the same 'agreement' with the colony. However the colony sees the new diner as an attacker, having presumably devoured the first diner. Thus it launches a counter-attack."

The researchers theorize that the food poisonings at picnics often attributed to things like mayonnaise and potato salad are actually caused by second-hand smoked turkey. "We can't speak definitively at this stage, of course," hedged Achile, "So we would encourage people to continue their archaic rituals of avoiding warm mayonnaise and throwing away left-over potato salad. More than this though, we would warn people not to share turkey sandwiches."

The American Poultry Association has asked the public to be patient and wait for confirmation of the study before making sudden changes to their dietary habits. "If you're the kind of person that finishes other people's sandwiches," reasoned an APA spokesman, "Your health problems are probably not stemming solely from your turkey intake."
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