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Pakistan Breaks Up Plot To Extinguish The Sun
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ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Pakistani intelligence claims to have broken up an unnamed terrorist group plotting to extinguish the Sun, thus sending the Earth to a dark and frigid death. Prime Minister Zafarullah Khan Jamali explained, "We believe the group was in the acquisition stages, beyond planning. We have evidence that they were looking into solar sail technology that would enable them to deliver a device to the Sun. Certainly, this accomplishment shows Pakistan's continued commitment to and value in the U.S. fight against terrorism."

"I don't think we're getting the whole story."
-- Paul Wolfowitz, Deputy Secretary of Defense
Pakistan has been issuing regular notices when it finds terrorist activity, but this is the first time extra-terrestrial terrorism has been claimed. "I find it highly suspicious," commented U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, "It's one thing to claim you've broken up plot after plot against various domestic targets, that's not tough to buy. But to suggest that people within the borders of Pakistan were acquiring equipment to enable them to launch a strike against the Sun, well, I'm no rocket scientist, but I don't think we're getting the whole story."

"Impossible," stated Burt Rutan, X-Prize contender and recognized rocket scientist, "There is no point in investigating a 'solar sail' that is meant to go to the sun. The sails are driven away from the sun, pushed by the solar wind. Moreover, how is a ragtag group of terrorists supposed to put a rocket in space when all of us are well-researched and reasonably well funded, and we haven't done it yet? Besides, you can't 'extinguish' the Sun. Any moron knows that. What do they think they're going to do, toss a wet blanket over it?"

"Our intelligence suggests they intended to employ 'tacking' to get to the Sun, and as for the actual method of putting out the sun, we don't know that answer," responded a senior official at Pakistan's intelligence agency, on condition of anonymity. He went on to admit that they did not have the names of the members of the group, any leads on locating them, or any actual evidence at all. "It's really just something Jamali dreamed up," he admitted, "But you never know, right? So we're looking into it. Maybe just looking into it will scare them off, and they won't even try."
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