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Low Crab Diets "Ineffective", "Dangerous"
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COLUMBUS, Ohio - A study by graduate students at Ohio University suggests that the "Low Crab" diet now gaining popularity nationwide is "all hype". Study organizer and lead, Anthony Dropkus, said, "People think that by cutting crab from their diet, they are somehow eating healthy. But our research shows that most people don't eat crab anyway. And those that do only eat it on special occasions. Reducing that small amount, our findings show, has no positive effect on the person's overall health. Therefore, we submit that the low crab diet fad is just that, and people should not fall for it."

" I think these kids might have gotten a little mixed up."
-- Dr. Christopher Teaf, human health expert
"I think these kids might have gotten a little mixed up," suggested Dr. Christopher Teaf, expert in toxicology and human health, "Crab meat can be toxic in ridiculously large amounts, that's true, but I believe the current diet fad is 'low carb' meaning 'low carbohydrate'. I will not comment on the diet's effectiveness."

"He's totally wrong," responded Dropkus, "And the reports about 'low carb diets' are obviously misprints. We're talking about a real national health problem here, and we're getting side-tracked by typo's!"

The 'Dropkus Study' suggests that people currently eat a small amount of crabmeat as a diversion from their normal diet, and as such it serves as a protection from mental illnesses, even suicide. Reducing that intake, the study warns, could lead to a nationwide epidemic of mental disease. "It's all in the numbers," Dropkus insisted, "Read the report!"

"I knew this project was messed up," said one author of the study that preferred to remain anonymous, "I only went along to get extra credit. I really didn't read it, or help with it. I thought it was a misprint." The other three co-authors expressed similar sentiments.

Officials at Ohio University's newspaper The Post confirmed that they will not be publishing the results of the study.
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