The Bentinel Logo Home | FAQ | Links | Book (New!) | Archive
Bending the truth to fit the facts!
-- Clean, family-friendly news satire and parody --




Book (New!)


RSS feed for The Bentinel

Let us send you an email when a new story is published! Enter your email address above and press Alert Me!
privacy policy

Did you know?
Union Leaders Angered Over Firearms Ban
(email to a friend)

CINCINNATI, Ohio - Union leaders working for Proctor & Gamble have threatened a slow down or even a strike over the company's recent ban on firearms in its buildings. "We walk through those doors every day, with the same list of rights and benefits applying to us as yesterday, until that fateful day in March," recalled Elias Bonestucker, head of the Cardboard Box Assemblers Local #439, "On that day we were met with a sign telling us that firearms were forbidden -- forbidden, mind you -- on the premises. Here was a benefit we didn't even know we had, and it was stripped away without a single negotiation."

"All I see is a bunch of banana-manager morons seizing [our] rights."
-- Elias Bonestucker, union leader
"I can assure Mr. Bonestucker that he hasn't lost any rights," assured P&G spokesman Andy Bachterel, "The employees were never allowed to carry firearms. It only makes sense, doesn't it? But when Ohio passed its 'concealed carry' law, many businesses, including P&G, decided it would be prudent to take a proactive stance and let it be known that firearms are still not permitted here. The signs clarify an existing position, they do not represent a new one."

"All I see is a bunch of banana-manager morons seizing the rights of the workers without any sort of compensation," explained Bonestucker angrily, "What's next? Paid vacations? Health insurance? If we allow them to take away our benefits without a fight, we're telling them the sky's the limit! If they're going to take away our firearms benefits, we need to get something in return."

Opinions of the workers at P&G varied. "I don't understand where the steward's comin' from on this one," said one worker who asked not to be named, "I don't personally myself know of anybody that owns a gun. And if they did, why would they bring it here? Really, I guess I'm kinda glad to know there's a rule about it." Maydean Grumpit, a Green-6 level cardboard box assembler, feels there is a bigger issue at stake, "The managements think they's can jes do and take and be and what not, and we can'ts do nothing about 'em. I don't own a gun, but if I ever gets one, the first thing I'm doin' is bringing it right here. We can't jes let 'em make up rules whenever the moon hits 'em."

"Our position is clear," explained Bachterel, "The rules have been in place for years. The sign has just brought the issue to the fore. There will be no negotiation on the matter. And if the entire box-assembly workforce wants to take a few months off to think about it, we'll just have to see if we can scour the globe for the offshore skills necessary to assemble boxes. I think we'd survive it as a company."
(email to a friend)


Looking for the best web site in the whole world? Look no further than! Loonwatch Islamophobia Ilisha, a site exposing the lies about Islam and Muslims. Do you think you have a Russian Girlfriend? Think again! Are you looking for a family portrait or wedding photographer in Dallas, Texas? Images by Andi is here for you! Looking for gently-used, cheap, tax-free cigarettes? They're available here. In the market for Weber Grills? This site has 'em. Are you addicted to sugar? Then you could use Self-Help for Sugar Addiction. Like movies? Check out these Movie Trailers. Down on your luck? Perhaps you'll need some Prescription Drugs Online. If that doesn't help, maybe you'll just stay home and Download movies. With the money you save on popcorn, you can play at this online casino . If you're driven into Drug Abuse, this site has the answer. Like jokes? Visit The Joke Teller Web Site! Like games or programs? Go to Josef's site!

Copyright 2003-2004, The Bentinel (, All Rights Reserved