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'Barbie Drug' Has Promise, Side Effects
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TUCSON, Arizona - Scientists at the University of Arizona claimed Tuesday to have stumbled upon a drug that produces a tanned, slim, sexy body. "The hormone Melanotan 2 appears to trigger the body and brain to become more attractive to the opposite sex," concluded Eugene Krumkeek, lead researcher on the project, "In our test subject, Gary, we found that he bulked up, lost fat, and reported a Viagra-like enhancement in his libido. We're very excited about the discovery."

"I lost all my friends. It seems they are 'sold separately'."
-- Gary, 'Barbie Drug' test subject
Gary (not his real name) agreed that the drug brought him some real benefits. "There's no question that I look and feel better than I have since high school," he admitted, "But there have been some uncomfortable side-effects as well. It's hard to find clothes that fit my wider shoulders and narrower waist, for one. The hardest part is that I have lost all my friends. It seems they are 'sold separately'," he quipped.

"This is the typical experience with any drug," explained human drug testing expert Miles Branigan, "There is inevitably positive and negative effects. Some of the negative will be offset with other medications -- a cocktail, as it's known -- but in the end there will always be a trade-off of positives and negatives."

Despite any potential side effects, the university reports that public support is high for the drug. "Our web site starting racking up hits ever since the report on the Barbie Drug was published," said one university IT specialist, "And it hasnít slowed yet. We've had to put filters on all the scientists' email accounts to keep them from filling up with requests for the drug." The University has officially stated that it will not be making the drug available in any form to any persons, as it would be a violation of federal law.

A recipe for the drug -- easily manufactured using cucumbers and common household cleansers -- is available at the University's web site.
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