WASHINGTON - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told reporters Thursday that he is unsure of the value of his recent decisions in light of finding his so-called "decision coin" to be two-headed. "It is extremely disquieting to me, personally," admitted the chairman, "Since I base most of my decisions -- personal and public -- on the flip of my 'decision coin'. How and when the original has become switched with this one, I can't say. I am pleased to announce, however, that I have replaced it with a fresh coin, in time for the next Fed meeting." Greenspan held up a Canadian two-dollar coin, popularly known as the 'toonie'.

"Would you care to place bets on who slipped him the two-headed coin?" -- Senator Joseph Lieberman

"He says it's 'disquieting', I say it's outrageous," said Senator Joseph Lieberman, "Our president has asked this man to manage our country's financial stability for another four years, and we find out he's been doing it with a coin flip? Considering that President Bush has gained significant public goodwill from the decisions Mr. Greenspan has made, would you care to place bets on who slipped him the two-headed coin?"

The FBI has been asked to investigate the case. A special FBI profiler, Agent Dan Mully, explained, "Profiling is not an exact science, of course. But we have determined that the individual that switched the coins is between fifty and sixty years old, male, probably from Texas or Connecticut. He may own or have once owned a baseball team. He's married, probably to a former teacher or librarian. If he has a cat, it's probably named after a country. Perhaps Pakistan or India. We'll know more when we've had some more time."

President Bush has promised that a full report of the investigation will be made available by December, no later than January.
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