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Did you know?
They ARE Out To Get You, Study Reveals
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YOUR HOMETOWN - A study conducted by a very reputable school suggests that they are in fact out to get you. Due to security concerns, the school is denying any knowledge of the study and has threatened to sue any organization that even prints its name in association with the study. But we felt it was important for you to know.

"It's not accurate to say he's paranoid, since everyone truly is against him."
-- Hans Gotyuh, psycho-conspiracy researcher
The study viewed utility bills, interest rates, and quality of service enjoyed by your neighbors and compared that with your experience. As you have suspected for years, you are being singled out for mistreatment. Unfortunately, your neighbors have all agreed to lie to you about it, so chances are very good you will never escape from the conspiracy.

"Oh sure, we always do that talk-behind-their-back thing," said one member of Them that asked to remain anonymous (but you can probably tell who it is), "It's not like he could ever know. He's such a dork."

"Sure, I know him," giggled a local pharmacist, when asked about you, "I always charge him extra for his prescriptions. If he asks, I tell him his copay is different for different 'formulary tiers'. Idiot, he just says, 'oh, ok' and walks out. Loser."

Leading conspiracy experts are not surprised at the results. "We see this all the time," explained Hans Gotyuh, noted psycho-conspiracy researcher, "Especially with this particular individual. It's not accurate to say he's paranoid, since everyone truly is against him. I have to admit, I don't care for him much, myself."

We're really sorry to have to report this about you. But honestly, it's not like anyone else was going to tell you. We're doing you a favor here.
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