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Husband Finds Grape Jelly To Be Inadequate Sweetener
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MOWRYSTOWN, Ohio - Chimneysweep and bicycle repairman Walt Quaid was surprised Tuesday evening to find that his wife refused to drink iced tea sweetened with grape jelly. "We were all out of sugar, and she knew we were out. She does the groceries, how could she not know?" he lamented, "So when she asked me for sweet tea, what did she think I was going to use?" Finding nothing else in the kitchen that he considered sweet, Quaid says he put "two or three good dollops" of grape jelly into the glass of instant tea. Despite strenuous stirring, globules of jelly could still be seen swirling in the brown liquid.

"Unsweetened tea would've been better than this horrid bile."
-- Mabel Quaid, wife
"It was awful," reported Mabel Quaid, recalling the tentative sip, "I love sweet tea, and I don't mind a bit of jelly now and then, but my oh my, don't bring them together. I don't know what Walt was thinking. Unsweetened tea would've been better than this horrid bile. And those bits of floating goo, oh. No, I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Nestea spokesman Harland Olsen was not surprised by the result, "We get customer service calls all day long. 'I'm out of sugar, what can I use instead?' Sometimes we'll get three hundred calls a day about it. We usually suggest honey, artificial sweetener, or a few peppermint candies. I can honestly say I've never heard of a case like this, but I'm not surprised it didn't work out. The fruit/tea mix has never done well."

The Grape Growers Association of America released a statement reading in part, "While it is true that the Quaid's tea was rendered undrinkable by the introduction of a grape-based product, it should also be pointed out that the grape-based product was equally ruined. Grape jelly, grape jam, fine wines, and all other grape products enhance the dining experience, but should be used responsibly."

"I've sure learned my lesson," said Quaid, "Next time I'll let her get her own tea."
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