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Kerry: "There'd Be No Flooding On My Watch"
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SEATTLE, Washington - Despite the heightened concern over possible imminent terrorist attacks, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry instead focused on regional domestic issues in a speech in Washington State. "I ask George W. Bush to look at the flooding in the heartland, and the wildfires blazing in the west, and I ask him to tell you and to tell me why he's allowed it to happen!" Kerry intoned, to enormous applause. "I tell you today," he said, pointing into the crowd, "There would be no flooding, no wildfires, no terrorism on my watch! None!"

"Not all statements made in public should be construed as 'campaign promises'."
-- Chad Clanton, Kerry spokesman
Despite the raucous atmosphere of the crowd, it was apparent that some present were taken aback by Kerry's remarks. "I thought it was a touch over the top," said Gretchen Oberslake, a day-care worker, "We expect to hear some lies, but this really, I don't know, I like Kerry, but I don't know." Arnold Grimm was similarly nonplused, "I'm no Bushie, but I don't see how he's responsible for the flooding. And I can't rightly see what Mr. Kerry thinks he could've done about it either."

Outrageous claims are nothing new to political speeches. In 1948, Progressive presidential candidate Henry Wallace claimed he could convince the Soviet Union to renounce communism and become what would then have been the 49th state. His candidacy already doomed, the claim did little to bolster support. "They didn't believe him, of course," said political science professor Ingrid Fulpoint, "And people today are no more likely to believe such things. The lesson learned from the past is that lying is acceptable, but it must be a plausible lie."

The Bush campaign issued a statement after the Kerry speech that said in part, "If the people believe Senator Kerry can eliminate flood and fire, we encourage them to vote for him. We also ask if he has any thoughts on eliminating a plague of locust."

"The senator stands behind all of his campaign promises," said Kerry spokesman Chad Clanton, "Not all statements made in public should be construed as 'campaign promises', however. You can see our web site for clarification on any questions you may have about the senator's platform."
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