HOLLYWOOD, California - Pop Princess Britney Spears is facing multiple fraud charges and civil suits after a routine x-ray for a knee injury sustained during her "Outrageous" video shoot revealed her true age. "The x-ray itself didn't tell me she was older than she appeared, but I got suspicious when I saw how much reconstruction had already been done to her knee," explained Dr. Leon Kissinger, "I requested a large-area x-ray, which revealed that both her hips were replacements. After conducting tests on the degradation of bone mass, I was forced to conclude that this woman was approximately 80 years of age."

"[Sponsors] don't want their products endorsed by a lithe, sexy senior citizen." -- Terry Edwards, media consultant

"Actually, I'm 85," admitted Miss Spears, "And I have to say I'm glad to finally get this off my chest. I love the young people, they have brought such joy to my twilight years, and I feel a sense of great shame for having misled them all this way." Spears told of her early years, after the war, as a schoolteacher and later a librarian. "I never made much money, but I'd learned to live on little. We all did, it was the times. I was able to put away a nice, little nest egg. But when I hit 60, I asked myself, 'Is this it? Do I just go to Florida and wait for the inevitable?' I decided I didn’t want to do that."

She described going to Europe for extensive plastic surgery. New joints, face-lifts, tucks, breast lift and augmentation. "We didn't have botox in those days, but we made do," she reminisced, "When I looked my best, I came home." Born Bertha Spunkmeyer, she took the stage name Britney Spears and sold herself as a teen queen. "I was quite surprised that no one asked for a birth certificate, but I was finding that cuteness goes a long way toward opening doors," she said with a smile.

"It puts sponsors in a tough spot," said media consultant Terry Edwards, "On the one hand, they don't want their products endorsed by a lithe, sexy senior citizen. On the other hand, how good do they really look taking little ol' Granny Spears to court?" The PR problem hasnt stopped Pepsi from immediately pulling its ads featuring Spears and canceling production on new ones. Pepsi says it does not comment on pending litigation, but public records reveal they are alleging fraud on the part of Spears and her production company.

"I really believed she was my sister," said a tearful Jamie Lynn Spears, "Oh, gross and she's worn my clothes! I can't talk about this right now, I'm sorry."
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