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Cap’n Crunch Assaulted By Evil Twin Brother
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NEW YORK, New York - Cap’n Crunch, the retired Navy Captain who for decades has served as the General Mills cereal’s namesake and spokesman, reported being attacked on Park Avenue late Friday night. "I was coming home from a party Tony [the Tiger] was hosting at Jines. It was late, I shouldn’t have been alone, but I was only going a few blocks. A man leaped out of a car brandishing a toy light saber and screaming, ‘What’s the frequency, Captain?’ It was a voice I hadn’t heard in years, it was my twin brother, Monroe."

"We’ve actually had Mr. Crunch under surveillance for some time."
-- New York police official
Monroe Crunch has been out of the public eye ever since his dishonorable discharge from the Navy in 1965. He has been sighted in California and New Mexico, but was not known to travel further East. "If he’s back, there’s going to be trouble," said retired Navy Admiral Martin LeCrosse, "Monroe was never a balanced man. He was the kind of guy you’d want with you if you were going to attack, because you knew he wouldn’t have time to come after you. Now that his violent side is showing itself again, there’s little choice but to launch an all out manhunt and bring him in." New York authorities agree, "We’ve actually had Mr. Crunch under surveillance for some time. Unfortunately, we were not monitoring him last night or the attack on the Cap’n might have been avoided," said one.

The public’s help is sought in bringing this man to justice. Monroe Crunch is Cap’n Crunch’s identical twin, however the Cap’n’s hair has grayed and Monroe’s has not. Like the Cap’n, he wears his eyebrows on his oversized Naval hat. Individuals having information about Monroe Crunch are urged to contact their local authorities. Crime Stoppers is offering a $20,000 reward for information leading to his conviction.

"I do hope they bring him in without violence," said the Cap’n, "But he may leave them no choice. If they’re not careful, he may try to crunchatize them. Caution should be the order of the day."
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