LONDON, England - Analysts scrambled since Europe's parliamentary elections to explain the voters' penchant for fringe candidates. "Normally incumbency translates into a few points at least," said French election consultant Francois Pottier, "But this election was very hard on incumbents. In fact, it looks like the voters were punishing the current parliament, but since it holds so little power and does so very little, it is difficult to imagine what they were punishing them for."

"I didn't give a flying fish who I was voting for." -- Colin Phelps, of Wales

"I'll tell you what was on my mind as I cast my ballot," said Colin Phelps, of Wales, "I didn't give a flying fish who I was voting for. The EU parliament's the biggest waste of time and resources this side of the pond. So my mates and I decided we'd try to pick the least qualified candidates and vote for them. As a joke, you know? I mean, if it doesn't matter anyway, then why not have a little fun with it?" Phelps' view was echoed by Italian Daiana Rampini, "I think everyone was just messing with the whole parliamentary arrangement. You can't take everything seriously, and if it doesn't originate within our borders, what does it really matter anyway?"

"I find it insulting that anyone sending members to the parliament could take such an attitude," said Belgian parliament member Gerard DePrez, when shown the quotes gathered from voters, "I certainly think these are not representative of the voting public at large, and they are likely taken out of context. I find that Americans delight in poking fun at the governmental affairs of others, while they fail to see the clown-heavy circus they put on for the rest of the world. Or did you think your dirty little Floridian secret never left your shores?" Despite such posturing and deflecting by DePrez and other members, it is clear that this election was meant to send a message: 'Become relevant, or go home.'

A written declaration rebutting the findings of this article will be available when five members can be found that have read it.
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