WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal panel reviewing the attacks of September 11th, 2001 has determined that "knowing ahead of time the date and place the attacks were to occur would have led to substantially better handling of them, perhaps even prevention." Speaking for the panel, civilian consultant Bob Vious said, "We believe that had the administration, the military, and the civilian emergency workers exercised better use of hindsight, the damages wrought by the terrorists would have been mitigated."

"We found that individuals of responsibility feel their response could have been better." -- Panel-member Wellduh Gnokiddin

A 300 hundred-page summary of the panel's 22 million-page report contains over 700 bullet points detailing bad decisions that were made. "In interview after interview, we found that individuals of responsibility -- from the President on down to the field workers -- feel their response could have been better," explained panel-member Wellduh Gnokiddin, "For instance no one contacted the hijackers in the plane to determine if they were simply hijacking the planes, or had more nefarious intentions. With that information, more effective intercepts could have been arranged."

"Some may feel that this is all just politically-motivated finger-pointing," suggested presumptive Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, "But I assure you that I've spoken with Bob Vious and Wellduh Gnokiddin myself, as well as panel advisers Moe Vahn, Al T. Rear, and the greatly respected Tom Forechenge, and I can assure you this was a non-partisan investigation. I've known Bob and Moe for years, they are straight arrows through and through."

"I guess it's important to know what went wrong," said Barry Makinit, an unemployed Maryland railroad worker, "I mean, I guess everybody already kind of knew a lot of it. But bringing it all together in one place is probably important, no matter the cost. And it's always good to have someone to blame."

The panel determined that the plot cost al Qaeda approximately half a million dollars, roughly one tenth of the cost of the panel's investigation.
(email to a friend)