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Congress Approves Discount Gas Cards for Seniors, Juniors
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WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what is largely viewed as a political fiasco, Congress has approved a program to give gasoline discount cards to students in their Junior and Senior years of college. The initial program calls for forty different cards covering various grades of gas from various retailers. "We expect there may be some confusion early in the program," said Senator Irving Muntz, of Connecticut, "But that will abate as these young people learn what their options are." Juniors and Seniors have until June 30th to decide on a discount card. The cards can be changed every year.

"Like the Medicare discount drug card, there are just too many options."
-- Bernadette LaMonte, Florida mother
"It's the new quagmire," stated Senator Lawrence Rell of Florida, where a 6-month pilot program was held, "And that's why I voted against it. No one can tell which card they should be using. Some of my constituents have told me that their sons and daughters have actually paid more using the cards than they did before the cards were issued." "The gentleman from Florida is an imbecile," responded Senator Trent Morgan of Arkansas, "Of course they paid more, gas has shot up meteorically this year. But with the cards, those Floridians saved an average of 11% on their gas purchases, putting more than six million dollars back into the pockets of hard-working -- er, um -- hard-studying Americans."

"Like the Medicare discount drug card, there are just too many options," said Bernadette LaMonte, Florida mother of two college students that participated in the pilot program, "Even with a year of our purchase records and the brochures for 10 different cards, we couldn't settle on one. Our son chose 'BP Advantage Plus' while Megan decided on 'Sunoco Cares'. In the end, they both saved about 6%, after their mail-in reimbursements."

"This is only meant as a temporary measure until gas prices come back down," explained White House spokesman Scott McClellan, "It's not a free-pass or a bottomless cup-o'-gas. There will certainly be some settling-in pains, but the President is committed to this program and has promised to bring fuel-relief to the many young people about to enter the job market."

The real losers in the plan will be the smaller independent gas retailers that can't participate in the program. "There is a $500,000 annual fee to participate," lamented Amjay Gupta, owner of Gupta's Gas, "If I am fortunate, the year's earnings will be $50,000. Who is having the ability to pay such fees?"
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