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Man Determines Things He Doesn't Already Know Are "Stupid Anyway"
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BEAVER, Ohio - Harnell Baker, a 35-year-old forklift mechanic was, "quite frankly, not shocked in the least" to find that that the adult education courses available at Riffe Vocational School are "just stupid anyway." Baker's wife, tired of watching him swill cheap beer that he claims he likes and watching and re-watching episodes of Rat Patrol he'd taped years earlier, suggested he "expand his horizons by taking a class at Riffe. They've got art classes, dancing, woodworking, lots of interesting things. I even offered to do them with him. But he won't budge out of that chair."

"Look, if I've got a brew, a babe, and a boob tube, I've got all I need."
-- Harnell Baker, forklift mechanic
"I work like a dog down at that plant and do you think she gives two hoots about that?" asked Baker, tossing back the last of a beer can he serendipitously found unemptied from the night before, "After a long day of flippin' through manuals and cursin' at trucks, do you really think I wanna let some over-paid jerk try to teach me somethin'? All I need to know is how to open the can, and brother, I got that one cold."

"Beaver isn't a hotbed of the zeitgeist," admitted Riffe Vocational Director of Adult Programs, Olivia McNeil, "We've got people in this area that only recently upgraded to color TV. Culture is for yogurt, and yogurt is for sissies, if you gather where I'm coming from. So our adult courses have not fared that well. Mr. Baker's case may be extreme, but the sentiment is not uncommon."

"Look, if I've got a brew, a babe, and a boob tube, I've got all I need. I see a class as a great way to blow perfectly good beer money," explained Baker, clearly becoming annoyed at the intrusion into his life, "Anybody that can't understand that can just see themselves to the door." He fixed his gaze back on a bouncing military jeep, guns blazing, and refused to say another word. "Thank you all for coming," his wife said, awkwardly, and the interview came to an end.
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