WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Supreme Court Tuesday struck down as 'probably unconstitutional' a 1998 law known as the Child Online Protection Act, or COPA. COPA's opponents have fought its implementation since its passage by Congress and thus it has never been put into effect. "We are loathe to waste the time of this venerable court with such matters," read the majority opinion authored by Justice Anthony Kennedy, "As we recognize that no good kid would be attracted to pornographic material anyway." Speaking of those that would likely seek such materials, the opinion continues, "Such degenerates, devoid of moral fiber and good judgement, would simply find another source to feed their sinful hungers. We cannot support such a law. And it's probably unconstitutional, too."

"Without the 'Bluegrass' amendment, I think we would've passed constitutional muster." -- Lyle Bercowich, New York Senator

Disappointment swept Congress as word of the judgement spread. "We put down into words what every good parent has already told their little ones," said Senator Myron Butterfield of Kansas, "That children shouldn't be exposed to bad things." Indeed, the COPA law specifically forbids the "displaying of bad things, objectionable things, or things that a reasonable person would consider to be in bad taste. Also, anything dealing with Bluegrass music, which is clearly the work of the Devil."

"Honestly, without the 'Bluegrass' amendment, I think we would've passed constitutional muster," lamented Senator Lyle Bercowich, of New York, "Then President Clinton thought COPA was a shoo-in, and so he hoped to get an anti-bluegrass rider in it, since he hates the stuff. I told him I wouldn't sponsor it, but obviously somebody did. And now here we are." While the 'Bluegrass' amendment was not specifically mentioned by the court, experts agree that it would have been an anathema to the law's final acceptance.

A revised version of COPA, tentatively named Smut And Garbage Elimination Act or 'Saggy', will be presented for a vote before the House this summer. "Hopefully, we can get a rider in there to get kids to hike up their trousers," intoned Bercowich.
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