HEAVEN - Speaking before a crowd of cherubs and seraphs described as 'myriads of myriads', God angrily denounced the findings of a Smithsonian scientist, calling them "hogwash" and "dead wrong". At issue are the skull fragments found at Olorgesailie in Kenya, believed to belong to a tiny race of long-extinct hominids. Lead researcher Richard Potts called the small humans a "short experiment that never quite made it." "What the distinguished gentleman from the third speck of dust from that spark they call the Sun fails to understand," explained God with a barely-hidden undertone of sarcasm, "Is that he is coming into the scene rather late in the game. I was there, you see. Had a part in the whole thing. In fact, the 'skull fragments' are from the left temple of a Colobus Monkey and the pelvis of a Heterocephalus glaber or 'naked mole rat'. I was quite fond of this particular mole rat. I called him 'Skamp'."

"The 'skull fragments' are from a monkey and a rat named 'Skamp'." -- God

"I am loathe to argue with God," responded Potts, "But I was quite thorough in examining the remains. They are most certainly skull fragments, and almost assuredly from the same creature. The carnivore bite marks extend across one fragment and can be clearly seen in the next. Something attacked this creature nearly a million years ago and we can now piece those events together in remarkable detail."

"No Parent wants to crush the joy of discovery in His children," explained God, "That's exactly why I haven't recorded every detail ahead of time. What's the fun in watching you all read a giant book? I want you to investigate, I want you to experiment. But when you start pulling my monkey heads out of the ground and calling them 'failed humans', that's where I have to draw the line."

Since evolution has been discussed in scientific circles and accepted by a majority of people as fact, some have questioned why this particular find has sparked such a reaction on the part of the Almighty. "When I was in high school, I remember a girl that failed biology because she refused to check the 'right' answers on her tests about evolution," recalled one woman, "But I thought she was just a nut. If God had popped in then and held a quick press conference, I'm sure it would've changed my mind."

"I've been thinking about saying something for awhile, really," said God, "But you have to understand that time is much different for you and for me. From my perspective, you've been batting your evolution theory around for a few minutes. I've been watching you, like you might watch your own children figuring out how something works. But when Richard dug up little Skampy's remains, it just struck a chord with me. I had to say something."

"And by the way," He added, "Scott Peterson is guilty, O.J. really is innocent, and Bill Clinton, well, I guess you already know that one. Just thought I'd set the record straight while I was here."
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