CHICAGO, Illinois - Parents are receiving skeptically the findings of the latest study by Penn State's Children's Hospital. "Our study showed that the two ingredients used in most over-the-counter medications were no better than a placebo in providing night time relief for children with cough," said lead researcher Ian Paul, "Parents will no doubt want to switch to a more natural type of cough cure, such as honey or humidity, and of course rest."

"In my house, we go through a bottle a week of the stuff. 'Mother's little helper' if ever there was one." -- Marjorie Staples, Mother of 7

Parents we spoke to feel that Dr. Paul has missed the point of cough syrup. "That's all well and good for Dr. NoKids SleepWell, but what about the rest of us that want the little buggers in bed by 8?" asked Marjorie Staples, mother of 7 children under the age of 14, "In my house, we go through a bottle a week of the stuff. 'Mother's little helper' if ever there was one."

"I think it helps Jimmy's cough," said Vic Stedmen, of his 7-year-old son, "But I know it helps him sleep. Sometimes I have to get him to scream a bit before bed to get the cough to kick in. But once it does, a little DM and he's out like a light. If this guy's little 'project' leads to cough syrup becoming illegal, he's not gonna be too popular in my house. Or my neighborhood."

Methamphetamine lab operators also uniformly denounce the findings. "Cough medicines are miracle drugs that absolutely raise the quality of life for millions of people," said one lanky, nearly toothless man, stirring a tub of chemicals that smelled strongly of battery acid and Drano, "My family and I consume thirty, maybe forty bottles of the stuff a month. We got the receipts to prove it, we turn 'em in to my wife's FlexPay plan." One mom-and-pop lab operator stated frankly, "Bottom line: without cough syrup, you don't have Meth. Without Meth, you got people workin' three jobs that are gonna have to cut back to two. Is that what you want?"

"I guess I never considered all of the 'off-label' uses for cough syrup," admitted Dr. Paul, "But I have to say that I don't think they justify foisting chemicals on our young people's systems. I know I will never give these medicines to any of my kids."

"Exactly what I used to say before I had kids," said Staples with a grin.
(email to a friend)