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Marion Jones Defeated By Centenarian
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CAPE TOWN, South Africa - The tortoise and the hare have nothing on "Flying Phil" and Marion Jones after the 100-year-old Philip Rabinowitz defeated Jones at her signature event, the 100-meter dash. "The race was only meant to be a community, feel-good thing for charity, I never expected to win," said a surprised and delighted Rabinowitz, "Marion's quite a competitor, but I guess one of us forgot her Geritol today!"

"[Doping's] done wonders for me."
-- Philip "Flying Phil" Rabinowitz
"Geritol? Man, I woulda whooped that left-over turkey's behind if it hadn't been for his home-field advantage," explained Jones, weakly, "What do I know about running in this South African heat? Anytime he wants to face off again on my turf, we'll see who's got it and who ain't!"

That argument carries little weight considering Jones herself hails from Los Angeles, with a climate very similar to Cape Town's. "She's just blowing off steam," said her ex-husband CJ Hunter, "It's an athlete thing. You lose, you blame everybody and everything. Give her a few days, she'll be calling the old codger to congratulate him."

In addition to beating Jones, Rabinowitz also set a new world's record for fastest 100-meter dash by a centenarian. "Maybe she should try doping," suggested Rabinowitz, "It's done wonders for me. I feel younger everyday!"
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