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Bush to Delay Election for Up to 24 Months
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WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush announced in his weekly radio address his intent to delay the November election. Citing "unspecified, but mighty scary threats" the President said he would seek a several-month delay, followed by an unspecified waiting period. "The idea here is to catch our enemy by surprise," the President explained, "So I propose that we announce the date only a day or two ahead of time. If those would-be thwarters of democracy think they can disrupt that process, I say bring 'em on!"

Opponents of the plan suggest it is simply a way for the current administration to control who gets to vote, by controlling who knows when the real Election Day will occur. "Who's going to decide the date?" asked Senator Wyatt Roosevelt, "The President? The Supreme Court? How will that information be disseminated? The logistics of such a plan make it obviously impossible, which leaves only nefarious reasons for putting it forth. You can bet I'll be voting against it."

Whether the issue will come up for a vote remains to be seen. Insiders with the Bush administration say that the President is optimistic that he will be able to make the change himself, bypassing Congress, using powers vested in the Presidency by a recently discovered "missing page" of the Constitution. "The President believes he is on firm Constitutional ground here, on the side of the angels," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan, "We don't think a simple 18-24 month delay is going to make any real difference in the election. And if it saves American lives, who can say it isn't worth it?"

Diebold, facing more litigation over its allegedly flawed electronic voting equipment, seized on the safety concerns to tout the virtues of its product. "Electronic voting from various locations -- up to and including one's own home via the Internet -- greatly mitigates the safety concerns expressed by the President and others," the press release read in part, "Diebold is dedicated to bringing the U.S. voting process into a new era of safety for all citizens. Remember, if you're not voting on Diebold equipment, your vote hardly counts at all."
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