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Disneyland Replaces Lines with 'Beat to a Seat' Program
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ANAHEIM, California - Reaction has been mixed toward Disneyland's controversial new 'Beat to a Seat' policy, being tested on its popular Space Mountain roller coaster. "It's 'arrival of the fittest', if you will," quipped Disneyland Vice-President of Operations Grady McDanielson, "If you can't stand the heat, wait in line like everybody else." In the test phase, visitors to the park are invited to duke it out over position in line. "If you don't want to wait, and you think you can take on the next guy in line, go for it," encouraged McDanielson.

"If these 'girlie men' don't want to fight, let them wait in the wimp line."
-- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
Other parks -- including Florida's Disney World -- have taken a less violent approach to solving the problem of waiting in line. For a fee, pagers, hand stamps, and other systems are used to let people register for a ride, then arrive in time to claim their space. "People really have more money than time," explained Mia Loss, of the Theme Park Operators Lobbyists Group, "So they don't mind paying a little extra to get more enjoyment out of their park visit." Parks also see an uptick in purchases at shops and restaurants when patrons spend less time in lines. "It's been great for our bottom-line," said a Cedar Point representative, "Folks just naturally are happier when they aren't standing in line. Happy people spend more money. Which makes us happy!"

With the success of FastPass, Q-Bot paging systems, and other wait-your-turn systems, some have asked why a violent program like 'Beat to a Seat' is necessary. "If these 'girlie men' don't want to claim their position, and fight to defend it, then let them show their cowardice waiting in the wimp line," said Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, defending the Disney move, "They are not being asked to stand up as men, they are being given an opportunity to do so. If they refuse, it is their pitiful choice to make." Schwarzenegger insiders admit that he was instrumental in bringing about the program, "to bolster the economy".

Already lawsuits are looming over the program. "I didn't know they were allowed to hit hard," said Myron Eubanks, a sixteen-year-old self-taught karate expert, "I warned them that I knew karate, but they just hit me real hard. I blocked it, but it hurt my arm. I started crying, and I was so embarrassed I decided to leave the park. They wouldn't even give me my money back." His family is suing Disneyland for medical care and suffering, and seeking an additional 35 million in punitive damages. "What that park allowed to happen to my son is inexcusable," said Gilbert Eubanks, "And we intend to see it stopped."

"Perhaps Mr. Eubanks would like to come over here and make me stop," suggested McDanielson, "I'd like to see him try."
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