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Nike Pulling Sponsorship of Illegal Stimulant
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BEAVERTON, Oregon - In light of sprinter Torri Edwards' case, shoe manufacturer Nike has decided to discontinue corporate sponsorship of the banned stimulant, Nikethamide. "Our commitment to athletics, of course, determines our fate to support doping," explained Nike spokesman Nate Overall, "But with the current levels of negative publicity surrounding Nikethamide, we've decided it's time to back away." Nikethamide is not itself a drug, but is used as an ingredient in some commercial medications, such as Coramine Glucose, the stimulant used by Edwards.

"There's always some pretty pill trying to shoehorn its way into my office, sure it's the next big thing."
-- Nike CEO Philip Knight
Nike's pull out leaves in question the remaining name of the chemical. "Chemically speaking, it's C10H14N2O," explained pharmaceutical consultant Michael Murphy, "But that's a tough term to market. 'Stimulux, now with 20% more C10H14N2O than the leading brand!' You can see the problem." Simply dropping the corporate label and going with 'thamide' is being considered, "But that smacks of 'thalidomide', and nobody wants to have that hanging over them," said Murphy.

Nike CEO Philip Knight says he's not ready yet to throw Nike's weight behind another illegal substance. "There's always some pretty pill trying to shoehorn its way into my office, sure it's the next big thing," he said, "But there's more to the picture than chemical makeup and general performance enhancement. I've gotta see some sizzle with my steak, and so far nothing's really lit me up yet."

"It's in my contract that I can't use a performance-enhancing drug if it isn't on the corporate list," said one athlete that asked to remain anonymous, "So I'm basically in limbo here. I can't win if I don't take something, but there's currently nothing on the 'approved' list. I know the guys at the top have a job to do, but this just isn't fair."
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