The Bentinel Logo Home | FAQ | Links | Book (New!) | Archive
Bending the truth to fit the facts!
-- Clean, family-friendly news satire and parody --




Book (New!)


RSS feed for The Bentinel

Let us send you an email when a new story is published! Enter your email address above and press Alert Me!
privacy policy

Did you know?
Nike Pulling Sponsorship of Illegal Stimulant
(email to a friend)

BEAVERTON, Oregon - In light of sprinter Torri Edwards' case, shoe manufacturer Nike has decided to discontinue corporate sponsorship of the banned stimulant, Nikethamide. "Our commitment to athletics, of course, determines our fate to support doping," explained Nike spokesman Nate Overall, "But with the current levels of negative publicity surrounding Nikethamide, we've decided it's time to back away." Nikethamide is not itself a drug, but is used as an ingredient in some commercial medications, such as Coramine Glucose, the stimulant used by Edwards.

"There's always some pretty pill trying to shoehorn its way into my office, sure it's the next big thing."
-- Nike CEO Philip Knight
Nike's pull out leaves in question the remaining name of the chemical. "Chemically speaking, it's C10H14N2O," explained pharmaceutical consultant Michael Murphy, "But that's a tough term to market. 'Stimulux, now with 20% more C10H14N2O than the leading brand!' You can see the problem." Simply dropping the corporate label and going with 'thamide' is being considered, "But that smacks of 'thalidomide', and nobody wants to have that hanging over them," said Murphy.

Nike CEO Philip Knight says he's not ready yet to throw Nike's weight behind another illegal substance. "There's always some pretty pill trying to shoehorn its way into my office, sure it's the next big thing," he said, "But there's more to the picture than chemical makeup and general performance enhancement. I've gotta see some sizzle with my steak, and so far nothing's really lit me up yet."

"It's in my contract that I can't use a performance-enhancing drug if it isn't on the corporate list," said one athlete that asked to remain anonymous, "So I'm basically in limbo here. I can't win if I don't take something, but there's currently nothing on the 'approved' list. I know the guys at the top have a job to do, but this just isn't fair."
(email to a friend)


Looking for the best web site in the whole world? Look no further than! Loonwatch Islamophobia Ilisha, a site exposing the lies about Islam and Muslims. Do you think you have a Russian Girlfriend? Think again! Are you looking for a family portrait or wedding photographer in Dallas, Texas? Images by Andi is here for you! Looking for gently-used, cheap, tax-free cigarettes? They're available here. In the market for Weber Grills? This site has 'em. Are you addicted to sugar? Then you could use Self-Help for Sugar Addiction. Like movies? Check out these Movie Trailers. Down on your luck? Perhaps you'll need some Prescription Drugs Online. If that doesn't help, maybe you'll just stay home and Download movies. With the money you save on popcorn, you can play at this online casino . If you're driven into Drug Abuse, this site has the answer. Like jokes? Visit The Joke Teller Web Site! Like games or programs? Go to Josef's site!

Copyright 2003-2004, The Bentinel (, All Rights Reserved