DALLAS, Texas - The Muslim Charity Holy Land Foundation for Relief and Development vehemently denies any connection to Hamas or any other terrorist organizations, said the group's attorney John Boyd, "Though we entirely understand the confusion," he admitted. The group has been funelling millions of dollars over the past decade to support the purchase of the spicy, chick-pea slurry, hummus. "Hummus is nutricious, delicious, and affordable. We direct funding to charity groups providing hummus and hummus-related food products to the needy, and we intend to continue doing so."

"I seriously doubt the men we took into custody today have been troweling nutricious slime over anybody's bread." -- Attorney-General John Ashcroft

"If it's true, then we will end up owing Holy Land a big apology," said a skeptical Attorney-General John Ashcroft, "But I have to say, I seriously doubt the men we took into custody today have been troweling nutricious slime over anybody's bread." Ashcroft referred to reams of financial data obtained from the foundation, showing massive movements of cash into known terrorist hands. "The receiving end of these transactions are not known for philanthropy," he said wryly, "But we'll certainly check out their alibi."

"Boyd's right," said the foundation president Shukri Abu Baker, "We're a food services company. And we love Hummus. A lot. Whatever Boyd said."

Israel, which has banned Holy Land from operating in-country since 1997, applauded the arrests. Said a representative, "The outrageous and criminal acts of this organization are made all the more heinous by their implicating a fine food product like Hummus. May they all reap the rewards in the afterlife that they have sown for in this one."

Tribe of Two Sheiks, the number one selling brand of Hummus in America, did not return calls for comment.
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