WINNIPEG, Manitoba - Logitech is disputing the conclusions of researchers at the University of Manitoba, who claim that the increasing popularity of optical mice has brought a corresponding increase in diseases. "We weren't comfortable with the findings either," admitted Brad Joreme, a graduate student pursuing his Ph.D. in epidemiology, "But there can be no doubt that optical mice are the cesspools of the desktop." The study followed 300 application developers, half using an optical mouse, the others using a ball-type mouse. The optical group experienced 35% more sick days from work than the ball group.

"People are responsible for their own hygiene." -- Heywood Livesey, Attorney for Logitech

"I was cleaning my mouse one afternoon -- scraping the junk off the rollers, polishing the slidy thing – and of course I was wishing I had an optical mouse," recounted Joreme, "But it dawned on me that if I had an optical, it would probably get dirty, and since it would still work, I wouldn’t clean it. Would a filthy mouse make me sick? I wanted to know." The six month study, which accounted for pre-existing physical tendencies toward sickness, concluded that a user's lack of mouse hygiene will inevitably lead to illness, and often social awkwardness.

"People are responsible for their own hygiene," said Heywood Livesey, attorney for Logitech, "It's ridiculous to blame our product for the illnesses these dirty pigs brought on themselves. Everybody knows geeks are prone to bad hygiene, poor nutrition, and other unhealthy habits that can lead to them falling ill. And let's not even touch the 'social awkwardness' issue. We will vigorously defend the safety of our product in court if need be."

"I was out for a week with Hidradenitis, and let me tell you, it is not 'da bomb'," said one subject of the study who used an optical, "After the study was over, I ran out and bought a ball mouse for everyone in my family. I wouldn't use another disease-ridden optical if you paid me!"

"Doctors agree that Hidradenitis is not caused by bad hygiene," explained Livesey, "And it should be pointed out that fully 40% of the alleged 'sick days' taken by these subjects occurred on either a Monday or a Friday. We think that fact alone invalidates the entire so-called 'study'."
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