The Bentinel Logo Home | FAQ | Links | Book (New!) | Archive
Bending the truth to fit the facts!
-- Clean, family-friendly news satire and parody --




Book (New!)


RSS feed for The Bentinel

Let us send you an email when a new story is published! Enter your email address above and press Alert Me!
privacy policy

Did you know?
GOP Denies Keyes is a 'Throwaway'
(email to a friend)

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois - Alan Keyes, a Maryland conservative and twice-failed presidential contender, has agreed to fill the Republican ticket for the Illinois senatorial race against the rising Democratic star, Barack Obama. Shortly after word broke of his acceptance, a secret Republican memo was faxed to the offices of the Associated Press by an unknown informant. The fax cover read only, "Keyes? Please!" The memo revealed startling details about why Keyes was selected. At one point the memo reads, "We need a throwaway to toss into this thing. Who can we afford to lose with? Is Keyes still 'between assignments'? Maybe if we dust his bones off, he'll look alive long enough to lose."

"Keyes was an obvious choice; no chance to win, used to losing."
-- GOP Official
"This is clearly a forgery," said Republican spokesman Edgar Rockefeller, responding to the fax, "Alan is a respected member of the conservative community, a pillar in our party. No one would speak of him in such disparaging terms." However, not everyone in the party agrees. "It was a last minute run, I mean, what were we going to do?" said one GOP official on condition of anonymity, "With Ryan, we thought we had it wrapped up. Tom Clancy made Jack Ryan a household name, we were sure people would think they were voting for Alec Baldwin or Harrison Ford. With Jack out, we knew we didn't have a chance. But if we didn't run somebody, how was that going to look? Keyes was an obvious choice; no chance to win, used to losing."

"If it really is a Republican memo, then somebody should be going to jail for releasing it into the wild," said Obama, "Not to mention the heads that will have to roll behind closed doors. I can't fill the shoes of Senator Fitzgerald, but I surely intend to fill his seat come November. It doesn't matter if they come at me guns blazing, or sending in a throwaway candidate, either way I'm winning this election."

A spokesman with the Keyes campaign said Keyes has no comment until the completion of the investigation, already underway, to determine the source of the memo. "It would be premature for any of us to react to this rogue fax until we know the, uh, facts," he said.

A Maryland resident, Keyes has previously spoken out against candidates that change residency for the sole purpose of campaigning for Senator from a given state. "That was then, this is now," he said, when questioned by reporters.
(email to a friend)


Looking for the best web site in the whole world? Look no further than! Loonwatch Islamophobia Ilisha, a site exposing the lies about Islam and Muslims. Do you think you have a Russian Girlfriend? Think again! Are you looking for a family portrait or wedding photographer in Dallas, Texas? Images by Andi is here for you! Looking for gently-used, cheap, tax-free cigarettes? They're available here. In the market for Weber Grills? This site has 'em. Are you addicted to sugar? Then you could use Self-Help for Sugar Addiction. Like movies? Check out these Movie Trailers. Down on your luck? Perhaps you'll need some Prescription Drugs Online. If that doesn't help, maybe you'll just stay home and Download movies. With the money you save on popcorn, you can play at this online casino . If you're driven into Drug Abuse, this site has the answer. Like jokes? Visit The Joke Teller Web Site! Like games or programs? Go to Josef's site!

Copyright 2003-2004, The Bentinel (, All Rights Reserved