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Rash of Toe-Licking Sweeping The Netherlands
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ROTTERDAM, The Netherlands - Following the Dutch PVDA's call for the criminalization of unsolicited toe-licking, formerly 'closet-lickers' have come out into the open and begun licking the toes of an unsuspecting public. "I was sunbathing in Rotterdam Park," said one woman, still shaken from the incident, "When my old high school teacher started licking my toes! Like it wasn't gross enough, didn't it just have to be Mr. Von Heemst. Yuck!" Admitted one toe-licker, "Hey, I thought it was already illegal! Until they actually pass a law, I'm lickin' till my tongue's dry!"

"I just wish I'd known it was legal before this!"
-- Jan Ferdineir, toe-licker
"We do have laws against harassment, public indecency, and a host of other related crimes that an individual can be charged with," said Rotterdam Police Constable Arnhem Wilmot, "So I would caution anyone against thinking there is a free pass on toe-licking in Rotterdam Park." Despite that caution, however, hundreds of men -- and more than a dozen women -- have reportedly licked the toes of strangers without prior consent. "No, I didn't authorize it! It's disgusting!" shrieked one woman, reporting an incident to the police, "You people need to get your law in place without delay!"

The police force has become an unwilling frontline in the battle that many believe was instigated by the PVDA's move to outlaw the very behavior they are now seeing reported. "I'd personally never taken a complaint for this deviant sort of behavior," said one disgruntled officer, "And today I've already handled five of them. Yesterday it was seven. It takes our government months -- maybe years -- to get laws passed. What are we supposed to do in the meantime?"

"The other laws mentioned by Constable Wilmot are simply too narrow to apply here," explained Dutch law expert Herd Van Burgess, "We have specific laws meant to handle specific offenses, but nothing specific to toe-licking, or indeed any sort of licking at all. And nothing broad enough to be said to cover it. It's a jurisprudential pickle of the highest order. One that makes me glad I'm no longer on the bench!"

"I've never been happier in my life," said Jan Ferdineir, a toe-licker, "I just wish I'd known it was legal before this! They should really do a better job of informing us of our rights."
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