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Al-Sadr Begins Negotiations for His Death at Coalition Hands
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NAJAF, Iraq - Radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr has vowed to fight against coalition forces still providing security in Iraq until 'his last drop of blood has been spilled'. "We have been in negotiations with Mr. al-Sadr for about a week now," explained General Lawrence Clovets, "He's won't agree to surrender, but he has shown interest in our arrangement of 'protracted assassination' in which we maintain a cordon around him and his men until they are forced to venture out. Then we pick them off one by one." "It's not as good as we'd hoped for, naturally," said one Mahdi Army negotiator, "But at least our death in battle will be assured."

"Personally, I could live with surrender."
-- Soldier in Muqtada al-Sadr's Mahdi Army
Such negotiations are uncommon, but not unheard of. "Before the close of World War II, there is evidence that Hitler contacted Churchill to request a bombing raid on Berlin, targeted to detonate the bunker he expected to retreat to," explained historian Wilhelm Getweight, "But of course Churchill would hear none of it. It's a curious fact of human history that when an enemy fights for his life, he is mortally attacked. But when he offers his life readily, it is more often than not spared."

Al-Sadr did not agree to be interviewed for this report, however an underling confirmed that he is serious about accepting death before surrender. "Personally, I could live with surrender," the soldier admitted, "But the leader has determined his fate, and ours. I accept it. You have to admire a man that's willing to have us all give our lives for something he believes in. That didn't seem to come out quite right, but you know what I mean."

General Clovets predicts a deal will be struck in the next several days. "He's already told us he doesn't want to be gassed or bombed, which was good news for us. Bombs are pricey," he said, "We would prefer a bullet, or perhaps a mortar. I'm sure we'll have something on the table that makes everyone happy before too much longer."
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