WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Federal Reserve, acting on flagging job creation numbers and low consumer spending, decided Tuesday to raise President Bush's national popularity one quarter point. "A measured move was expected," said economist Graham Lyle, "Most analysts were looking for a quarter, some even hoped for a half point bump." The Fed chairman Alan Greenspan said in announcing the move, "It is our goal to gently nudge President Bush through this 'soft patch' in his poll numbers. Amid the Iraq crises, the jobs crises, and the health care crises, we felt a quarter point was an appropriate response."

"I wish I had a fairy godfather to turn to when I make mistakes." -- Democratic Presidential Nominee John Kerry

Most economists feel that an additional bump will be needed prior to the election to insure the President's win in November. "I think a rate increase is quite certain for the September meeting," said Sang Long Sung, chief economist at Wells Fargo in Minneapolis. "It will depend on how the numbers come in, with the next employment report being the most important factor. If it dips again, you can bet Alan will tighten the reins and beat up more support for Bush."

The Fed will want to see if the job market bounces back after two disappointing months, including a tiny 32,000 jobs created in July. That's the weakest showing since last December and far below the 200,000-plus new jobs economists had expected last month. "Without more jobs," reiterated Sung, "The Fed will have to inject better than three-quarters of a point into the President's popularity to even make it an even race."

"I wish I had a fairy godfather to turn to when I make mistakes," said Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry during a stump speech following the Fed announcement, "But all I have to lean on are my values, my illustrious military career, and millions of my wife's dollars to swab up any deficiencies." He added, stoically, "I'm just joking about the money, of course."
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